The unlikely Mistress, pt. IV

Not much to tell.

She flunked out of SL, ostensibly because she is busy.

Thus yet another collar ends with the most likely resolution of: Disappeared Mistress.

End of story.

Quick update and the quirks of SL land owning

This past week has not been especially eventful. After our last Sunday/Monday meeting Mistress expressed a wish for more plants on the beach so I made sure to redecorate there and also arranged for a few more cuddle spots that we will hopefully get to try out soon. I have to say I quite like how things turned out, gives the whole beach a more tropical flair. 

Only downside is... prims. As any land owner may tell you there is never enough prims, especially if you have a smaller plot like this 1024 m² parcel I can have with my Premium account. It sounds a lot and is definitely a quantum step away from the 117 prims you could have back in the dark ages of SL, like 14 years ago, where you also were only entitled to own a 512 m² plot with your premium. These figures relate to owning land on mainland and without having to pay land use fees. 

One way of extending the size of your plot (and the number of your prims) would be making use of the group bonus. If you make a group and deed it to the group, the group gets a nice 10% bonus, so in my case that would increase the plot size up to 1120. Why 1120 you may ask. 10% off 1024 is 102.4, so that should be 1126.2, right? The Lindens are cheating!

Umm, well, that is one way of seeing it. However, as so often in SL, things are not quite that simple. The minimum size for any plot is 16 m² so the 10% bonus gets reduced to the next possible multiple of 16, which, incidentally, is exactly 6 x 16 m² = 96 m2. 1024 + 96 = 1120. q.e.d.

The unseemly Art of the Error

How many errors are you supposed to make? None.

How many errors are you supposed to make as a submissive? Even less.

And how many errors are you bound to make? Many. Tons.

However, to err is human. Or so they say.

In a way, that is consoling, and yet each time I make one it makes me feel bad, low, because it feels like I let her down. I want to make Mistress proud and not be a disappointment. 

Her way of letting me argue my case when we have our weekly meeting is not exactly helping even if I think I'm getting a little better at it.

In any case I have spent some time thinking about errors, how they happen and how to prevent them and of course also what consequences they may and should have.

Reasons for errors can be manifold:

- unclear rules, or maybe overly complicated ones; from personal experience I can say that clear and simple rules are more likely to be followed; of course errors can still happen
- lack of focus; we all get distracted, confused, bored or sleepy at times, and you are most likely to make errors in that phase
- lack of internalization; that's a tricky one. As I learned recently you can have rules that you accept... because that is what your owner wants. However, that doesn't mean that you do or want to internalize that rule, especially if you find the rule not to make much sense in the first place. That issue can either be solved by adapting the rule so it is more palatable or driving it home and make sure that the ruled party internalizes it - by whatever means.

In any case I'm glad that the rule I was struggling with was revoked by my Mistress. 

The unlikely Mistress, pt. III

So as the benevolent reader may have gathered in the meantime (not least due to the fact that I wrote about it in the last installment) .... these days I am collared to Susan. Since May 2nd to be precise. And honestly I have not regretted my decision for a split-second.

However, in many ways that came as a big surprise. 

I've never had much luck with dommes. Many I just can't connect with and the ones I found appealing often did not want me or... even worse, flaked out on me after a short time. I honestly can't tell when last things felt this right AND held out too. Granted, I have met a few very competent and knowledgeable doms and cherish the time I had with them. I am not afraid to admit that I owe so much to Eden and Kaspar. However, they have been rare exceptions.

I mean I have not worn my collar for a full three weeks and yet everything feels just so right and Susan is pushing me in just the right ways and I'm forever grateful for having her in my life. So much so that at some point when we were talking about exactly this topic I called her my "unlikely Mistress". Because I had met so many "dommes" and would-be dommes over the last few years that I had long since basically given up hope of finding a mistress who would be compatible. Who would take the time and energy to get to know me and take me for who and what I am without judgement and work with me to bring out the best in me. And I think that is exactly what makes Susan so precious. 

It is what she does. And I will be forever grateful.

The unlikely Mistress, pt. II

 

So I met Susan in February and as we got to know each other better I came to view her mostly as a friend. She is unconventional, open-minded and fun. But for a long while I found it hard to picture her as my mistress. To a degree that's down to her being such a sweet and kind person. However, that's not all.

I know I have met my share of dominants and in many cases you can feel the dominance right away. A well-kept appearance, the way they talk, their mindset focused on control, very self-controlled, things like that. With that kind of people it is relatively easy to see yourself in a submissive way. However, that doesn't mean these people are better dominants than others. I remember a friend of mine looked super sweet, but was a very imaginative, quick-witted domme. 

So what you see is not always what you get. And in Susan's case this is very true. She loves making long-reaching plans. And of course when it became clear that we were gravitating toward each other she had one for me. I would get my collar from her three months after meeting. And this is exactly what happened. So on May 2nd the big day had come and she gave me her collar in a small ceremony and I have not looked back one time since.

And about Susan ... one of her best traits is how she is developing her own take on domination and her eagerness to learn plus her willingness to discuss her ideas. I can always calmly tell her what I think, in fact she is asking me to do so and she will draw her conclusions and often change her mind. That is an extremely refreshing experience. 

The unlikely Mistress, pt. I

Just 12 years later and I'm back to blogging. Bizarre. Most of the people I used to know have long left SL, yet here I am. How did that come to pass you may ask. I know I would!

Well, it started innocently enough. After my last "Mistress" flaked out on me in December and just didn't log on for weeks I was not too surprised or hurt. Busy RL, SL not exciting enough, alts. It's whatever. People come and go in SL. And that is how it’s always been. Here today, gone tomorrow.

Anyway, on with my story. In February I met someone at HBC. From her looks she seemed more like an outsider, a bystander. Just dressed normally, somewhat inconspicuous. Stood out in this place of fetishists and posers. So I chatted her up and we started talking. And the more we talked the more I liked her and her somewhat different, fresh views. A rather down-to-earth woman, also an aspiring domme, kinda new to it all. With a girlfriend, too, one she wanted to make her sub – but not next week, in a year. A WHOLE YEAR. In my experience you are lucky if things stay the same in SL for more than a few weeks. And yet, here she was, coolly stating her long-reaching plans. And she meant it, too.

That made me think and my initial politeness somehow turned into respect. This woman simply made plans for years, just because that was what she wanted to do and she was calmly working on putting them into practice. It kinda blew my mind. The fact that she had an opening for a sub was interesting, too. And we became friends and the idea of becoming her sub started to grow on me.

Exercises in humility

Well.... I guess I should have seen this coming, lately things had been just a tad too peaceful and harmonic. So last night Mistress called me over on our new parcel last night where I had the honor of testing out the new cages. I made a stupid (albeit relatively insignificant) mistake (left the cell after the door was opened and did not wait for her command) and got a bunch of my priviledges taken away and was made to wear my maid outfit by Mistress - among other things. A short while later we talked about this and other things and I admitted to her that I was not opposed to a firm hand, that I even felt a need for it - something along those lines in any case.
I guess that resulted in me being made to not only try, but use slave talk for the rest of the night. So Mistress made this girl talk about herself as if she was someone else, as of a piece of property, which she of course is. But.... to speak of oneself like that made a deep impression on this girl, it made her "weak in the knees", as Mistress would put it. Actually, to this girl it felt more like butterflies in her body, combined with a strange low-key arousal that must be connected to the humiliation and perverse thrill of seeing (and feeling) herself to be rightless property AND to prove this fact to herself by speaking just like that. *shivers* How devious...
And actually that was not the end of it. Shortly before this girl logged off, Mistress asked for a log of an IM she had had earlier and of course she received it, only to find that this girl had not stuck to her Mistress' instructions, but had omitted the slave talk routine in what she perceived to be her privacy. But of course.... a slave has no right to privacy. *sigh*
This girl wonders what the next meeting with Mistress is going to bring... There might very well be more punishment coming her way.

Isolation

It seems that I am going to spend times in isolation when I am with Mistress. Not only did she make me buy a MD helmet prisoner suit (sic!), but at the moment I am also contained in a Monica Jewell's Slave Storage, a tiny box-like cage, where you can barely sit kneeling. I have no inventory, cannot IM and am restricted to mouselook. Actually I should not even be able to look out at the sea which I am currently doing, but due to a viewer problem (I think) I did not log in inside of the box, but next to it. I guess next will be bye-bye Emerald, hello Rainbow Viewer, but I am not going to forego Mistress' judgement. I got into trouble once on that, that was quite enough.

Human Being

Just a few days ago Mistress showed a very human side: She was hurt by something that I said. I really meant neither disrespect nor did I want to hurt her, and yet I did - mostly as a result of a misunderstanding as I think now, looking back. She had been working on me, nudging me gently in a direction so as not to hurt me and then I said just the thing that she did not want to hear. We managed to sort it out later, but in that moment she was quite hurt. Now.... what do we learn from this? Mistress is a kind and sensitive human being and can be hurt just as we all can. And.... I need to watch out with the things I say. Being a slave is not a license to blurt out everything that comes to mind, you need to take care of your owner not only with your actions, but also with your words and thoughts. Yes, I guess it is a perspective thing - once again.

Random thoughts from down deep

So there we go....the trial ended tonight and Mistress accepted me in her service as her full slave. Wow, that is intimidating and a thrill at the same time. But ever since all this started, I have come to realize that this is what I really want. Of course .... it is weird to really WANT that, at least seen from a vanilla perspective. Of course. And I am not really an exception, have not been an exception. I have always admired and been repulsed at the same time by the only true SL slave that I have known so far, Emilee Gackt, and now it seems I am really treading in her footsteps, going way way down.
But I guess I have come to a point in my life now where I really want to experience my submission, live it, dive in deep and - if it changes me, which I guess it will, embrace those changes. And yes, these are thoughts that I find hard to admit to myself, much less the public at large.
And today I have this deep unrest inside me, not least due to the fact that roughly one minute after the kiss with which Mistress accepted me in her service for good I was reprimanded to do better and that I would be punished if she wouldn't see improvement soon.
To be exact, I need to learn to tackle tasks in an orderly and thorough way so as not to anger and disappoint Mistress and will thus probably have to write lots of to-do lists and progress reports. The other thing is more fundamental actually: It is about my insecurity, the tendency to get nervous if something does not go as expected. Now I did think I was doing okay on that up till now, I know it could be much worse. But Mistress is obviously not satisfied. And it is her right not to be. It's just.... that I don't know how to change something as fundamental as that. I know it will get much easier with practice, but that is exactly what I am lacking up till now.

Slave rights, or lack thereof

Yesterday I was on for a bit during the day, but since I had not been granted any privileges (and had not asked for any either, sort of intentionally. I am still trying to soak up the immense change that all this represents: Me giving away my freedom, my rights, my devotion. This is and will continue to be for a while, a change of almost brutal intensity), I stayed at the house the way I was - naked. After a while I started thinking this whole concept of privileges through and....hit upon an extreme, albeit interesting point: Does a slave have a right to breathe, to live even? I mean, if you accept the concept of giving away every right, there is not much that is left behind. Of course it would be a safe guess to assume that this had something to do with my situation: I was standing there in Mistress' house, feeling very useless, apart from doing a little inventory-cleanup and IMing. And of course I forgot to tend to the tasks she had given me over that .... *grumbles*

Completely non-BDSM related stuff for once

Since I seem to resume blogging a bit more now, I decided to give the Blog a bit of a revamp - nothing much really, maybe a new template and....I guess the banner pic is really kinda outdated after almost three years. So that may come over the next few weeks. More or less in the course of this, I added this little search gadget thingy from google to my site just a few days ago , thinking it might be useful to readers who want to do a little digging in my blog. Too bad though, some testing showed very quickly that the stupid thing does not really seem to recognize my blog. However I was told on Forums that the little search field top left in the navbar will do exactly what I want, it will only search in the blog and THAT really works well.
So there, just in case anyone had been wondering. It was news to me!

Clarity

Still kind of thinking about this humility thing. Last night we talked about my latest post and Mistress Eden was a little curious why this was so noteworthy to me. But actually I could not give a much clearer answer than what was already in the blog.
However....
over night it dawned on me that my lack of humility is probably what kept me from approaching her for real over the last year or so. To approach her humbly, to admit to my submissive being and show her the respect that she demanded. We had talked a few times, but I had not really felt intrigued. Mostly to protect myself I had long since gotten used to only show my sub side to those that I felt would or could not hurt me - and I was not prepared to give anyone credit in advance.
But suddenly, finally, I feel it creeping up on me - and it feels right.

Humility

Last night Mistress Eden dropped this word on me.... humility. And said something that I had to be reminded of it, that she had to remind me of it to make my position clear - my memory is a bit hazy here. But as this word was echoing in my mind I realized that I just did not know what it really is. It may sound bizarre, but it is just one of these words that you rarely use and never think about - or at least that is how it was for me. So I took a trip to the wikipedia just now and looked it up: This word describes the inner readiness to serve your authority, much as in a d/s relationship or as a serf toward his master/mistress and accept (*goes back to reread*) the facts as they are given. In a religious and moral context it is a virtue that may be born from the knowledge of being infinitely below the desired perfection (deity, moral standard etc.) (Tugend, die aus dem Bewusstsein unendlichen Zurückbleibens hinter der erstrebten Vollkommenheit).
Hmmm.
My head is spinning.

TPE slave....or almost

So Mistress Eden has accepted me for a trial tonight. It was slightly busy, me having to take care of several things, reset my mars ring, get a new collar etc. The evening ended with me in a cell, practically completely restricted except for IM... i think. But really, I don't mind. What counts is that I... find a safe haven. And I think I found one. It is liberating. If only there was not ...Imika. We did not talk today, and I am guessing she is not doing too great. Tomorrow I want to try and talk to her.
Oh and btw: Had a makeover today :P (just a tiny one, my slick short hair is gone and i am suddenly getting to wear makeup with a lot of color - fun!)

Bye-bye Liliput, hello loneliness happiness

(Headline edited Jan. 7, '10)
No, there was no makeover. I tried to get myself arranged with it, but somehow it was beyond me. I was having a constant headache and realized at some point that it would not go away before Laputa was history. When that became clear to me, there was no further delaying. So I informed Mistress and went out, not before dropping a lil' bomb. Sent out a notice (no, not an overly friendly one) explaining that I would not put up with Miss Liliput's arbitrary bitching and ... that was it. I went out and life came back. My dear friend Jane had been commenting over the last few days that I had really not been myself, so unhappy and down was I. And she was right. So when I logged back in I felt completely refreshed and energetic, even the headache had already started to fade. It was the best decision ever.
The downside is that it made Mistress very unhappy :-/ She was not happy with my tone, which I can understand. But I had to do this my way. And she did not want to leave beautiful Liliput (as I now call it) and her friends and her other sub. So I told her that I did not want her to leave only because of me, that I would understand, even if it made me sad. Last night we met again and she released me, a very sad moment.
But that was not the end of the day yet. Later on I talked to Eden Darwinian again, quite possibly my future Mistress. She is a lifestyle domme that I highly respect and, even if life will probably not be very comfy with her (as a TPE slave), I am confident that I can trust her and that she will respect me and protect me - something that cannot be had as long as you have an uber-domme above the mistress. And she has already signaled that she will not mind if I have a sub of my own. That is not important at the moment, but knowing myself as I do, that can change very quickly.

Still there.... sort of

Now... I am doing something that I really think I shouldn't. I am acting against my nature that tells me to leave Laputa far behind me. Instead I am going to have a makeover, which I do not care for and much less even for the person I am going to do this makeover with? (Can I just give you my password and you tell me when youre done? I dont care either way, but if this is necessary to make you and mistress happy, so what)
So why is it against my nature? Because I can feel it. I am not well in RL and everything in me keeps telling me "WRONG".

First impressions, last impressions?

Just a few days ago I have landed in Laputa and there is an awful lot to learn and see here. 20 sims full of ... actually very little. A house here and there, one or two residential sims, and apart from that it is mostly water and a few rocks. Plus there is a gallery and an archive and....and. Very nice so far.
But tonight the fairytale suffered a deep crack.
Actually this story seems to start a few days earlier. Ikusei tped me out of the blue, which she seems to do all the time. I took the tp and ended up with an apologetic High Mistress, claiming that she had mixed up my name with another newly arrived one. bla bla, makeover, bla bla, happy to assist in case bla bla.
I did not really listen very well, I am quite happy with the look of my avatar and returned to mistress asap.
Now today I was at the ranch together with mistress and she had me kneeling, chastity belt visible and in my dolly suit too. Again out of the blue there was this tp. Mistress told me to go home and change and to come then. And so I did. Of course I could not release myself from the kneeling position Mistress had forced on me and I could not make the belt invisible either - owner's priviledge. And then I also crashed on my way to the meeting point.
So when I got there, kneeling and belt visible, I excused myself and after a few seconds mistress released me. Actually the ceremony was already over, but then Ikusei asked for a talk with me and mistress. In this she made it clear that i needed a makeover, that my appearance was unacceptable to her and that she would not put my pic on the staff board or whatever it is called, for fear that it would melt (not my words, hers). Erm, hello, what about the look from, what was it, three days ago, that you had nothing to criticize about... or is it just that you didnt have your glasses with you that day or..... did you possibly just change your mind... maybe to humiliate me and show me and mistress who's boss?
Ah well, whatever. I am really not into this kind of games.
So it's either a makeover or leave Laputa.
Oh and btw: Welcome to Laputa!
So.... I logged off for tonight before making any decision yet. But tomorrow the fairytale might end and i may give Ikusei the key to her golden cage back - gleefully.

Time flies...and I have landed

So...no use complaining about not posting this time. It's been ages, I know.
Trying to sum it up, bear with me for a moment:
Reneee became my sub sometime in February and has been until November. We had a lot of great moments and many nice trances. So this is a kiss (!) specially reserved for you, honey. But at some point it seemed better to let her go and so we are friends now. After that there was Tessa, another old friend. However that only held a short while, then she ran away.... I was driving her too hard it seems.
Residence-wise I joined my dear friend xitt and her lovely neighbors Kari and Bettie in Dreamland for a whole while and I must say it was a lovely time - and they are all sooo creative too! Last I was kind of homeless since we had given up the house there, but since last night I have firm ground under my feet again, erm, almost. I have moved to Laputa, a .... how do you say that, one of the great bdsm houses in SL, and am living there on a ship with Mistress Imika and her sub Airama, (yes, yet another old friend) So since the end of one loooong day during which I was given the Go by the High Mistress and introduced to all of the nice people there, I am now wearing a collar again - finally!

Past troubled waters... for the moment

So.... havent really blogged in a whole while. Again, so much has happened.
My submission to Master ended on Jan, 20. He actually kicked me out for involuntarily causing some drama that was due to me talking about the time AFTER my submission.... But of course I should first have told Master and not Miss Liza. The thing is, however, that she IMed me while I was just chatting with (then) Miss Reneee about the future and that we would try to stick together and that I would try to help her become a good Mistress. So far it was all nice and innocent. But as it seems Miss Liza had thought that I would turn to her after Feb, 1, a thing that I myself had never alluded to. But of course our activities together with her led her to believe that. So when she heard about my new plans, she got angry and reproached Master with manipulating her etc. All in all I brought him into a very uncomfortable position that led him to the decision to kick me out (and end communications with Miss Liza).
Hmmmm. I have to say I was far from shattered, somehow he had pushed me hard during the preceding week, maybe too hard. In any case I felt not as close emotionally as I did earlier.
Thus I am now free, and even though I do miss the feeling and instruction he gave me, I cannot really imagine me going back to him.
To come back to Miss Reneee...
Of course, my plans have a way of going where THEY want, not I. I suggested writing something for Miss Reneee about me as a sub and somehow I knew it was extreme in its openness, but thought that she deserved nothing but the truth and so I gave her that. After she had read it, she said that she couldn't be my Mistress - actually I should not have been surprised at all, but of course I was; and sad too. Meanwhile the tables have turned and I am now her Mistress, trying to do the same thing Master did for me: Help her feel good again about being a submissive, learn to live with the pain in her past and not be afraid to get hurt.