The unlikely Mistress, pt. I

Just 12 years later and I'm back to blogging. Bizarre. Most of the people I used to know have long left SL, yet here I am. How did that come to pass you may ask. I know I would!

Well, it started innocently enough. After my last "Mistress" flaked out on me in December and just didn't log on for weeks I was not too surprised or hurt. Busy RL, SL not exciting enough, alts. It's whatever. People come and go in SL. And that is how it’s always been. Here today, gone tomorrow.

Anyway, on with my story. In February I met someone at HBC. From her looks she seemed more like an outsider, a bystander. Just dressed normally, somewhat inconspicuous. Stood out in this place of fetishists and posers. So I chatted her up and we started talking. And the more we talked the more I liked her and her somewhat different, fresh views. A rather down-to-earth woman, also an aspiring domme, kinda new to it all. With a girlfriend, too, one she wanted to make her sub – but not next week, in a year. A WHOLE YEAR. In my experience you are lucky if things stay the same in SL for more than a few weeks. And yet, here she was, coolly stating her long-reaching plans. And she meant it, too.

That made me think and my initial politeness somehow turned into respect. This woman simply made plans for years, just because that was what she wanted to do and she was calmly working on putting them into practice. It kinda blew my mind. The fact that she had an opening for a sub was interesting, too. And we became friends and the idea of becoming her sub started to grow on me.

Exercises in humility

Well.... I guess I should have seen this coming, lately things had been just a tad too peaceful and harmonic. So last night Mistress called me over on our new parcel last night where I had the honor of testing out the new cages. I made a stupid (albeit relatively insignificant) mistake (left the cell after the door was opened and did not wait for her command) and got a bunch of my priviledges taken away and was made to wear my maid outfit by Mistress - among other things. A short while later we talked about this and other things and I admitted to her that I was not opposed to a firm hand, that I even felt a need for it - something along those lines in any case.
I guess that resulted in me being made to not only try, but use slave talk for the rest of the night. So Mistress made this girl talk about herself as if she was someone else, as of a piece of property, which she of course is. But.... to speak of oneself like that made a deep impression on this girl, it made her "weak in the knees", as Mistress would put it. Actually, to this girl it felt more like butterflies in her body, combined with a strange low-key arousal that must be connected to the humiliation and perverse thrill of seeing (and feeling) herself to be rightless property AND to prove this fact to herself by speaking just like that. *shivers* How devious...
And actually that was not the end of it. Shortly before this girl logged off, Mistress asked for a log of an IM she had had earlier and of course she received it, only to find that this girl had not stuck to her Mistress' instructions, but had omitted the slave talk routine in what she perceived to be her privacy. But of course.... a slave has no right to privacy. *sigh*
This girl wonders what the next meeting with Mistress is going to bring... There might very well be more punishment coming her way.

Isolation

It seems that I am going to spend times in isolation when I am with Mistress. Not only did she make me buy a MD helmet prisoner suit (sic!), but at the moment I am also contained in a Monica Jewell's Slave Storage, a tiny box-like cage, where you can barely sit kneeling. I have no inventory, cannot IM and am restricted to mouselook. Actually I should not even be able to look out at the sea which I am currently doing, but due to a viewer problem (I think) I did not log in inside of the box, but next to it. I guess next will be bye-bye Emerald, hello Rainbow Viewer, but I am not going to forego Mistress' judgement. I got into trouble once on that, that was quite enough.

Human Being

Just a few days ago Mistress showed a very human side: She was hurt by something that I said. I really meant neither disrespect nor did I want to hurt her, and yet I did - mostly as a result of a misunderstanding as I think now, looking back. She had been working on me, nudging me gently in a direction so as not to hurt me and then I said just the thing that she did not want to hear. We managed to sort it out later, but in that moment she was quite hurt. Now.... what do we learn from this? Mistress is a kind and sensitive human being and can be hurt just as we all can. And.... I need to watch out with the things I say. Being a slave is not a license to blurt out everything that comes to mind, you need to take care of your owner not only with your actions, but also with your words and thoughts. Yes, I guess it is a perspective thing - once again.

Random thoughts from down deep

So there we go....the trial ended tonight and Mistress accepted me in her service as her full slave. Wow, that is intimidating and a thrill at the same time. But ever since all this started, I have come to realize that this is what I really want. Of course .... it is weird to really WANT that, at least seen from a vanilla perspective. Of course. And I am not really an exception, have not been an exception. I have always admired and been repulsed at the same time by the only true SL slave that I have known so far, Emilee Gackt, and now it seems I am really treading in her footsteps, going way way down.
But I guess I have come to a point in my life now where I really want to experience my submission, live it, dive in deep and - if it changes me, which I guess it will, embrace those changes. And yes, these are thoughts that I find hard to admit to myself, much less the public at large.
And today I have this deep unrest inside me, not least due to the fact that roughly one minute after the kiss with which Mistress accepted me in her service for good I was reprimanded to do better and that I would be punished if she wouldn't see improvement soon.
To be exact, I need to learn to tackle tasks in an orderly and thorough way so as not to anger and disappoint Mistress and will thus probably have to write lots of to-do lists and progress reports. The other thing is more fundamental actually: It is about my insecurity, the tendency to get nervous if something does not go as expected. Now I did think I was doing okay on that up till now, I know it could be much worse. But Mistress is obviously not satisfied. And it is her right not to be. It's just.... that I don't know how to change something as fundamental as that. I know it will get much easier with practice, but that is exactly what I am lacking up till now.