Turbulences

(finally posting now, had started on it a while back)
Well.... don't think so much has ever happened before in so short a time in my SL. I feel I need to blog a few of those things before I have forgotten it all.... My life hasnt been that interesting in a looooong time.

First of all, when Melitta and Liza heard about me getting collared they were obviously *very* surprised. First I received a message from Melitta that was ranging from strange over commanding to pissed off - and I really didn't understand why. Then Liza talked to me in more civil tones and she made it clear that she wasn't pleased either and that I should give up being secowner to Geraldine - which I did then (only later did Master explain that stability was at stake and that the ladies had been afraid that Master might try to get ahold of Geraldine via me - the idea did seem very strange at the time, but then, with another Master or Mistress it would have been quite possible as I have to agree now). I did it grudgingly at the time, but had to admit that it was for the better (and for my own peace since I was very busy with Master then).

Next the business with Miss Reneee ...
Since Miss Reneee and I have some sort of a special, even if somewhat undefined relationship, he suggested that he would train her to become a Mistress and keep me for as long as it would take. Once Miss Reneee would have been ready, he would have transferred me to her, to become hers. I have to admit I liked that idea very much, especially since things with Miss Reneee had very recently started to turn into a different direction. While chatting about Mistresses and so on, she had said something about me maybe needing a gentle and sensitive mistress (roughly). I remember it not so much because I thought she was seriously thinking about assuming that role herself, but it was a special moment to me. And the first time we met after I got collared she was waiting for me at my house... and when I finally made it there she was sitting in my very own throne, quite angry too I think, and asked me to do something for her, write down three fantasies and give them to her within three days. I ran into problems with the third one, first on the actual day I was blocked and when I got a chance to give it to her the next day, I stupidly deleted the draft from my gmail-account and panicked with the effect that it became irretrievably lost. *ugh* So I had to rewrite it and could only give it to her with two days delay. But most importantly, she has made herself kind of scarce lately. And I have to admit that I miss her, haven't spent much time with her at all since the beginning of the year.

Also, Master has asked me to decide whether I want to stay with him or end my servitude to him on Feb, 1, an issue that I found very very hard to decide. And I had misunderstood him too. When he was talking about staying, I thought I would have to stay and would not be able to get out honorably, a thought that struck me as a complete no-no, since I knew I did not want that - after all, he is doing me a big favor by taking and guiding me and I surely did not want to repay him that by running away and causing him pain. Turns out however, he did not mean it like that. I had stupidly overseen that he is a man of great honor and, as he explained later, would of course release me if I was unhappy or found a Mistress that I really want to serve. We kept discussing this decision and I have to admit I was very torn between Master and setting an end-point. I changed my mind several times and, just when I thought I had finally come to a final decision and that I would stay.... Miss Reneee came on and canceled the agreement with Master. I was then asked to make my final decision. And suddenly my head started swimming and I felt as if I knew nothing anymore.... a painful moment. I changed my mind (again) and decided that I would leave on Feb, 1. Poor Master, he must have felt tempted to bang his head against the wall with the obvious stupidity of his slave....(maybe he really did, I would not have been surprised). I really felt and still feel sorry for that. Of course that was not the end of it. Despite my initial relief over finally having taken that decision I was still not sure if it was the RIGHT decision, but did not want to bother Master any longer. After all, there was no point. I would feel this to be good one day and that on the other. So I kept my mouth shut.

Since then things have become a little more quiet. And I am glad because of it, since Master's training is quite demanding and I usually need to be very focused or I will end up making mistake after mistake. And that is not pleasant. On the other hand, Master's lessons are all good and thought through, so I am learning a lot - about myself, about submission, about BDSM in SL and also about dominants, especially SL ones. I have also gotten a chance to get to know Miss Liza better, and I have to say she is a very nice and kind woman - and probably mistress too.

Right now the big question for me is what is going to happen on Feb, 1 (I do have a little time at the moment since I made two mistakes in a row tonight and said that I would have made the second one even if I had reflected on Master's orders, because I had a different concept of the order he gave me. Well, he didn't like that answer and I am therefore confined to a blackened cell - in Mouselook.). At the moment I think I will take some time to digest everything that has happened and go back to my old life - or what is left of it. Maybe I will give up my house or build a new one, I might even take a break from SL altogether. I am relatively confident though that I will not jump for a new collar quickly. And domming....well, I think I need to re-establish some confidence (or hunger) before I go in that direction. After all, I have learned that I am not a true domme, and when I compare myself to Master, I feel I am lacking severely in practically all aspects.

Oh.my.god.

As loyal readers may well remember, I have (had) given up subbing almost completely (see "The Mistress Thang" pts. 1 to 3). Where I used to call myself a "sub switch" in the old times I had become an almost never switching "theoretical switch". But the times they are a-changing as they say. A little while back I have met a Master who has really impressed me - not by anything special but just by giving me the feeling that he is very knowledgeable and reasonable.
Now I never thought I of all people would take a Master, but he has offered to help me find back to my subbie side on several occasions and a few days ago it really happened - I let him collar me and became his property, on Jan 5, I think.
And I am happy to say I have not regretted this decision for one second so far. Actually it is incredible how submissive and at home I feel (hey, of course he is doing his magic here). I don't think I have ever felt this - or at least not as deep as I am doing right now.