Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Exercises in humility

Well.... I guess I should have seen this coming, lately things had been just a tad too peaceful and harmonic. So last night Mistress called me over on our new parcel last night where I had the honor of testing out the new cages. I made a stupid (albeit relatively insignificant) mistake (left the cell after the door was opened and did not wait for her command) and got a bunch of my priviledges taken away and was made to wear my maid outfit by Mistress - among other things. A short while later we talked about this and other things and I admitted to her that I was not opposed to a firm hand, that I even felt a need for it - something along those lines in any case.
I guess that resulted in me being made to not only try, but use slave talk for the rest of the night. So Mistress made this girl talk about herself as if she was someone else, as of a piece of property, which she of course is. But.... to speak of oneself like that made a deep impression on this girl, it made her "weak in the knees", as Mistress would put it. Actually, to this girl it felt more like butterflies in her body, combined with a strange low-key arousal that must be connected to the humiliation and perverse thrill of seeing (and feeling) herself to be rightless property AND to prove this fact to herself by speaking just like that. *shivers* How devious...
And actually that was not the end of it. Shortly before this girl logged off, Mistress asked for a log of an IM she had had earlier and of course she received it, only to find that this girl had not stuck to her Mistress' instructions, but had omitted the slave talk routine in what she perceived to be her privacy. But of course.... a slave has no right to privacy. *sigh*
This girl wonders what the next meeting with Mistress is going to bring... There might very well be more punishment coming her way.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Isolation

It seems that I am going to spend times in isolation when I am with Mistress. Not only did she make me buy a MD helmet prisoner suit (sic!), but at the moment I am also contained in a Monica Jewell's Slave Storage, a tiny box-like cage, where you can barely sit kneeling. I have no inventory, cannot IM and am restricted to mouselook. Actually I should not even be able to look out at the sea which I am currently doing, but due to a viewer problem (I think) I did not log in inside of the box, but next to it. I guess next will be bye-bye Emerald, hello Rainbow Viewer, but I am not going to forego Mistress' judgement. I got into trouble once on that, that was quite enough.

Human Being

Just a few days ago Mistress showed a very human side: She was hurt by something that I said. I really meant neither disrespect nor did I want to hurt her, and yet I did - mostly as a result of a misunderstanding as I think now, looking back. She had been working on me, nudging me gently in a direction so as not to hurt me and then I said just the thing that she did not want to hear. We managed to sort it out later, but in that moment she was quite hurt. Now.... what do we learn from this? Mistress is a kind and sensitive human being and can be hurt just as we all can. And.... I need to watch out with the things I say. Being a slave is not a license to blurt out everything that comes to mind, you need to take care of your owner not only with your actions, but also with your words and thoughts. Yes, I guess it is a perspective thing - once again.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Random thoughts from down deep

So there we go....the trial ended tonight and Mistress accepted me in her service as her full slave. Wow, that is intimidating and a thrill at the same time. But ever since all this started, I have come to realize that this is what I really want. Of course .... it is weird to really WANT that, at least seen from a vanilla perspective. Of course. And I am not really an exception, have not been an exception. I have always admired and been repulsed at the same time by the only true SL slave that I have known so far, Emilee Gackt, and now it seems I am really treading in her footsteps, going way way down.
But I guess I have come to a point in my life now where I really want to experience my submission, live it, dive in deep and - if it changes me, which I guess it will, embrace those changes. And yes, these are thoughts that I find hard to admit to myself, much less the public at large.
And today I have this deep unrest inside me, not least due to the fact that roughly one minute after the kiss with which Mistress accepted me in her service for good I was reprimanded to do better and that I would be punished if she wouldn't see improvement soon.
To be exact, I need to learn to tackle tasks in an orderly and thorough way so as not to anger and disappoint Mistress and will thus probably have to write lots of to-do lists and progress reports. The other thing is more fundamental actually: It is about my insecurity, the tendency to get nervous if something does not go as expected. Now I did think I was doing okay on that up till now, I know it could be much worse. But Mistress is obviously not satisfied. And it is her right not to be. It's just.... that I don't know how to change something as fundamental as that. I know it will get much easier with practice, but that is exactly what I am lacking up till now.

Slave rights, or lack thereof

Yesterday I was on for a bit during the day, but since I had not been granted any privileges (and had not asked for any either, sort of intentionally. I am still trying to soak up the immense change that all this represents: Me giving away my freedom, my rights, my devotion. This is and will continue to be for a while, a change of almost brutal intensity), I stayed at the house the way I was - naked. After a while I started thinking this whole concept of privileges through and....hit upon an extreme, albeit interesting point: Does a slave have a right to breathe, to live even? I mean, if you accept the concept of giving away every right, there is not much that is left behind. Of course it would be a safe guess to assume that this had something to do with my situation: I was standing there in Mistress' house, feeling very useless, apart from doing a little inventory-cleanup and IMing. And of course I forgot to tend to the tasks she had given me over that .... *grumbles*

About Me

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I have been sub, I have been domme, I have a penchant for hypnosis, I have been up and I have been down. But I am always and most importantly - me. Kind, sensitive, loyal and yes - kinky.