Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Random thoughts from down deep

So there we go....the trial ended tonight and Mistress accepted me in her service as her full slave. Wow, that is intimidating and a thrill at the same time. But ever since all this started, I have come to realize that this is what I really want. Of course .... it is weird to really WANT that, at least seen from a vanilla perspective. Of course. And I am not really an exception, have not been an exception. I have always admired and been repulsed at the same time by the only true SL slave that I have known so far, Emilee Gackt, and now it seems I am really treading in her footsteps, going way way down.
But I guess I have come to a point in my life now where I really want to experience my submission, live it, dive in deep and - if it changes me, which I guess it will, embrace those changes. And yes, these are thoughts that I find hard to admit to myself, much less the public at large.
And today I have this deep unrest inside me, not least due to the fact that roughly one minute after the kiss with which Mistress accepted me in her service for good I was reprimanded to do better and that I would be punished if she wouldn't see improvement soon.
To be exact, I need to learn to tackle tasks in an orderly and thorough way so as not to anger and disappoint Mistress and will thus probably have to write lots of to-do lists and progress reports. The other thing is more fundamental actually: It is about my insecurity, the tendency to get nervous if something does not go as expected. Now I did think I was doing okay on that up till now, I know it could be much worse. But Mistress is obviously not satisfied. And it is her right not to be. It's just.... that I don't know how to change something as fundamental as that. I know it will get much easier with practice, but that is exactly what I am lacking up till now.

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About Me

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I have been sub, I have been domme, I have a penchant for hypnosis, I have been up and I have been down. But I am always and most importantly - me. Kind, sensitive, loyal and yes - kinky.