Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Exercises in humility

Well.... I guess I should have seen this coming, lately things had been just a tad too peaceful and harmonic. So last night Mistress called me over on our new parcel last night where I had the honor of testing out the new cages. I made a stupid (albeit relatively insignificant) mistake (left the cell after the door was opened and did not wait for her command) and got a bunch of my priviledges taken away and was made to wear my maid outfit by Mistress - among other things. A short while later we talked about this and other things and I admitted to her that I was not opposed to a firm hand, that I even felt a need for it - something along those lines in any case.
I guess that resulted in me being made to not only try, but use slave talk for the rest of the night. So Mistress made this girl talk about herself as if she was someone else, as of a piece of property, which she of course is. But.... to speak of oneself like that made a deep impression on this girl, it made her "weak in the knees", as Mistress would put it. Actually, to this girl it felt more like butterflies in her body, combined with a strange low-key arousal that must be connected to the humiliation and perverse thrill of seeing (and feeling) herself to be rightless property AND to prove this fact to herself by speaking just like that. *shivers* How devious...
And actually that was not the end of it. Shortly before this girl logged off, Mistress asked for a log of an IM she had had earlier and of course she received it, only to find that this girl had not stuck to her Mistress' instructions, but had omitted the slave talk routine in what she perceived to be her privacy. But of course.... a slave has no right to privacy. *sigh*
This girl wonders what the next meeting with Mistress is going to bring... There might very well be more punishment coming her way.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Isolation

It seems that I am going to spend times in isolation when I am with Mistress. Not only did she make me buy a MD helmet prisoner suit (sic!), but at the moment I am also contained in a Monica Jewell's Slave Storage, a tiny box-like cage, where you can barely sit kneeling. I have no inventory, cannot IM and am restricted to mouselook. Actually I should not even be able to look out at the sea which I am currently doing, but due to a viewer problem (I think) I did not log in inside of the box, but next to it. I guess next will be bye-bye Emerald, hello Rainbow Viewer, but I am not going to forego Mistress' judgement. I got into trouble once on that, that was quite enough.

Human Being

Just a few days ago Mistress showed a very human side: She was hurt by something that I said. I really meant neither disrespect nor did I want to hurt her, and yet I did - mostly as a result of a misunderstanding as I think now, looking back. She had been working on me, nudging me gently in a direction so as not to hurt me and then I said just the thing that she did not want to hear. We managed to sort it out later, but in that moment she was quite hurt. Now.... what do we learn from this? Mistress is a kind and sensitive human being and can be hurt just as we all can. And.... I need to watch out with the things I say. Being a slave is not a license to blurt out everything that comes to mind, you need to take care of your owner not only with your actions, but also with your words and thoughts. Yes, I guess it is a perspective thing - once again.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Random thoughts from down deep

So there we go....the trial ended tonight and Mistress accepted me in her service as her full slave. Wow, that is intimidating and a thrill at the same time. But ever since all this started, I have come to realize that this is what I really want. Of course .... it is weird to really WANT that, at least seen from a vanilla perspective. Of course. And I am not really an exception, have not been an exception. I have always admired and been repulsed at the same time by the only true SL slave that I have known so far, Emilee Gackt, and now it seems I am really treading in her footsteps, going way way down.
But I guess I have come to a point in my life now where I really want to experience my submission, live it, dive in deep and - if it changes me, which I guess it will, embrace those changes. And yes, these are thoughts that I find hard to admit to myself, much less the public at large.
And today I have this deep unrest inside me, not least due to the fact that roughly one minute after the kiss with which Mistress accepted me in her service for good I was reprimanded to do better and that I would be punished if she wouldn't see improvement soon.
To be exact, I need to learn to tackle tasks in an orderly and thorough way so as not to anger and disappoint Mistress and will thus probably have to write lots of to-do lists and progress reports. The other thing is more fundamental actually: It is about my insecurity, the tendency to get nervous if something does not go as expected. Now I did think I was doing okay on that up till now, I know it could be much worse. But Mistress is obviously not satisfied. And it is her right not to be. It's just.... that I don't know how to change something as fundamental as that. I know it will get much easier with practice, but that is exactly what I am lacking up till now.

Slave rights, or lack thereof

Yesterday I was on for a bit during the day, but since I had not been granted any privileges (and had not asked for any either, sort of intentionally. I am still trying to soak up the immense change that all this represents: Me giving away my freedom, my rights, my devotion. This is and will continue to be for a while, a change of almost brutal intensity), I stayed at the house the way I was - naked. After a while I started thinking this whole concept of privileges through and....hit upon an extreme, albeit interesting point: Does a slave have a right to breathe, to live even? I mean, if you accept the concept of giving away every right, there is not much that is left behind. Of course it would be a safe guess to assume that this had something to do with my situation: I was standing there in Mistress' house, feeling very useless, apart from doing a little inventory-cleanup and IMing. And of course I forgot to tend to the tasks she had given me over that .... *grumbles*

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Completely non-BDSM related stuff for once

Since I seem to resume blogging a bit more now, I decided to give the Blog a bit of a revamp - nothing much really, maybe a new template and....I guess the banner pic is really kinda outdated after almost three years. So that may come over the next few weeks. More or less in the course of this, I added this little search gadget thingy from google to my site just a few days ago , thinking it might be useful to readers who want to do a little digging in my blog. Too bad though, some testing showed very quickly that the stupid thing does not really seem to recognize my blog. However I was told on Forums that the little search field top left in the navbar will do exactly what I want, it will only search in the blog and THAT really works well.
So there, just in case anyone had been wondering. It was news to me!

Friday, January 8, 2010

Clarity

Still kind of thinking about this humility thing. Last night we talked about my latest post and Mistress Eden was a little curious why this was so noteworthy to me. But actually I could not give a much clearer answer than what was already in the blog.
However....
over night it dawned on me that my lack of humility is probably what kept me from approaching her for real over the last year or so. To approach her humbly, to admit to my submissive being and show her the respect that she demanded. We had talked a few times, but I had not really felt intrigued. Mostly to protect myself I had long since gotten used to only show my sub side to those that I felt would or could not hurt me - and I was not prepared to give anyone credit in advance.
But suddenly, finally, I feel it creeping up on me - and it feels right.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Humility

Last night Mistress Eden dropped this word on me.... humility. And said something that I had to be reminded of it, that she had to remind me of it to make my position clear - my memory is a bit hazy here. But as this word was echoing in my mind I realized that I just did not know what it really is. It may sound bizarre, but it is just one of these words that you rarely use and never think about - or at least that is how it was for me. So I took a trip to the wikipedia just now and looked it up: This word describes the inner readiness to serve your authority, much as in a d/s relationship or as a serf toward his master/mistress and accept (*goes back to reread*) the facts as they are given. In a religious and moral context it is a virtue that may be born from the knowledge of being infinitely below the desired perfection (deity, moral standard etc.) (Tugend, die aus dem Bewusstsein unendlichen Zur├╝ckbleibens hinter der erstrebten Vollkommenheit).
Hmmm.
My head is spinning.

TPE slave....or almost

So Mistress Eden has accepted me for a trial tonight. It was slightly busy, me having to take care of several things, reset my mars ring, get a new collar etc. The evening ended with me in a cell, practically completely restricted except for IM... i think. But really, I don't mind. What counts is that I... find a safe haven. And I think I found one. It is liberating. If only there was not ...Imika. We did not talk today, and I am guessing she is not doing too great. Tomorrow I want to try and talk to her.
Oh and btw: Had a makeover today :P (just a tiny one, my slick short hair is gone and i am suddenly getting to wear makeup with a lot of color - fun!)

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Bye-bye Liliput, hello loneliness happiness

(Headline edited Jan. 7, '10)
No, there was no makeover. I tried to get myself arranged with it, but somehow it was beyond me. I was having a constant headache and realized at some point that it would not go away before Laputa was history. When that became clear to me, there was no further delaying. So I informed Mistress and went out, not before dropping a lil' bomb. Sent out a notice (no, not an overly friendly one) explaining that I would not put up with Miss Liliput's arbitrary bitching and ... that was it. I went out and life came back. My dear friend Jane had been commenting over the last few days that I had really not been myself, so unhappy and down was I. And she was right. So when I logged back in I felt completely refreshed and energetic, even the headache had already started to fade. It was the best decision ever.
The downside is that it made Mistress very unhappy :-/ She was not happy with my tone, which I can understand. But I had to do this my way. And she did not want to leave beautiful Liliput (as I now call it) and her friends and her other sub. So I told her that I did not want her to leave only because of me, that I would understand, even if it made me sad. Last night we met again and she released me, a very sad moment.
But that was not the end of the day yet. Later on I talked to Eden Darwinian again, quite possibly my future Mistress. She is a lifestyle domme that I highly respect and, even if life will probably not be very comfy with her (as a TPE slave), I am confident that I can trust her and that she will respect me and protect me - something that cannot be had as long as you have an uber-domme above the mistress. And she has already signaled that she will not mind if I have a sub of my own. That is not important at the moment, but knowing myself as I do, that can change very quickly.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Still there.... sort of

Now... I am doing something that I really think I shouldn't. I am acting against my nature that tells me to leave Laputa far behind me. Instead I am going to have a makeover, which I do not care for and much less even for the person I am going to do this makeover with? (Can I just give you my password and you tell me when youre done? I dont care either way, but if this is necessary to make you and mistress happy, so what)
So why is it against my nature? Because I can feel it. I am not well in RL and everything in me keeps telling me "WRONG".

Friday, January 1, 2010

First impressions, last impressions?

Just a few days ago I have landed in Laputa and there is an awful lot to learn and see here. 20 sims full of ... actually very little. A house here and there, one or two residential sims, and apart from that it is mostly water and a few rocks. Plus there is a gallery and an archive and....and. Very nice so far.
But tonight the fairytale suffered a deep crack.
Actually this story seems to start a few days earlier. Ikusei tped me out of the blue, which she seems to do all the time. I took the tp and ended up with an apologetic High Mistress, claiming that she had mixed up my name with another newly arrived one. bla bla, makeover, bla bla, happy to assist in case bla bla.
I did not really listen very well, I am quite happy with the look of my avatar and returned to mistress asap.
Now today I was at the ranch together with mistress and she had me kneeling, chastity belt visible and in my dolly suit too. Again out of the blue there was this tp. Mistress told me to go home and change and to come then. And so I did. Of course I could not release myself from the kneeling position Mistress had forced on me and I could not make the belt invisible either - owner's priviledge. And then I also crashed on my way to the meeting point.
So when I got there, kneeling and belt visible, I excused myself and after a few seconds mistress released me. Actually the ceremony was already over, but then Ikusei asked for a talk with me and mistress. In this she made it clear that i needed a makeover, that my appearance was unacceptable to her and that she would not put my pic on the staff board or whatever it is called, for fear that it would melt (not my words, hers). Erm, hello, what about the look from, what was it, three days ago, that you had nothing to criticize about... or is it just that you didnt have your glasses with you that day or..... did you possibly just change your mind... maybe to humiliate me and show me and mistress who's boss?
Ah well, whatever. I am really not into this kind of games.
So it's either a makeover or leave Laputa.
Oh and btw: Welcome to Laputa!
So.... I logged off for tonight before making any decision yet. But tomorrow the fairytale might end and i may give Ikusei the key to her golden cage back - gleefully.

About Me

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I have been sub, I have been domme, I have a penchant for hypnosis, I have been up and I have been down. But I am always and most importantly - me. Kind, sensitive, loyal and yes - kinky.